I can´t

- You are going to marry me OK? - her eyes shine so bright, so her.

- Yes, my love, of course.

That new dress that now shines in her silhouette, those gloves of light, those jewels stolen from the first floor in the afternoon, during the nap ... and the high heels to the rhythm of a melody between us, ours that says "every minute at your side is great" and I must follow her steps and I step on her and she like nothing ever happened, she corrects me "and there is nobody in the worldwide world". Mesmerized I look at her, my arm on her back with her hand in mine, like curled up, like protected as we round in a circle "that I love more than being with you," and another before we get dizzy and fall.

- Why do we fall? - peeping around the edge of the pool she asks, not to me, to the air.

- To get up love, fail always, every time better.

Thereby while I raise her up very high, more and more. Screams in fright, laughs, does not want to come down. She is thrown out as she covers her nose, closes her eyes tight and swash, the plunge deep to the bottom and then again and again, and once again. Today you dive, today you kick, today you laugh hours for me, with me on the edge of the abyss and in the distance the sea, higher the sun, closer it's light that pecks here and there, dying the afternoon leaning there, one by your side, you to mine. And questions, mountains of questions.

- Take me to a roller coaster - starts quietly, ends very high, concludes, determines.

- Close your eyes love, don't cheat.

It is a hot morning, we wait in the queue and you ask for a cotton candy, the trip has been long, so long until we get off the plane and there is the park that so much longed for. We ran to get a spot, "me in front", you go in front yes, and I at the back. "And Mom," and mom is filming love, down there, do you see her? Don't open your eyes and you see her, "I see her", and the cart slowly starts to move, slowly slowly goes up a little and you say that you are not afraid and I am yes as always but you are brave and you demand it to go faster, "Faster, faster!", And it goes faster love, climbs up up and finishes climbing and there it goes now very fast it goes forward it runs flies falls down down and  we all shout hands up open mouths we scream nonstop loops loops many loops the car flies off and they all look at us as we fly to the bottom over a tree that softly receives us, that slows us down ... that cheerfully leaves us. "Let’s go again!"

- Don't go - and a little finger goes up to wipe a tear that looms discreet, there.

- I'm not leaving sweetie, tell me where I am.

“You are here”, she lowers her hand together with mine down to her chest, makes a circle and her finger hangs from my serene gaze, I don't say a word, I hold my breath between my trembling and pressing lips, “and here”, now raises the finger up to her forehead, she rings twice, "oh this hurt me", you laugh again now, with that song to my joy, in that way that colors my grays, highlights my goods, erases my bads, forgets my fears, relives my days.

- I want to live with you.

- Me too my love, me too.

But I can't and I know it, you don't. I can't live with you, sleep with you. I can't stay awake due to your fever. I can’t wish for a longer sleep when you get up at 6 am. I can't miss a day off. I can't be late at work. I can't run to you when you have nightmares. I can't serve you breakfast. I can't bathe you. I can't play with you tired at night, complain because you do not obey, force you to eat, sit down to do chores, play 24x3. I can't tell you how sorry I am, not to even tell you everything I feel inside and it only comes out some nights when I can't hold it together anymore and I break, I crack, I'm parted in 1500 pieces to be reborn, to be well again. To realize that you are not sleep, fever, free days, delays, nightmares, breakfasts, baths, fatigue, yes sir, tasks or endless games. Quite the opposite my love. You are a sporadic tale before bed. You are Guardians of the Galaxy. You are Star Wars. You are The Lord of the Rings my love. You are the goal you kick, the pool you swim, the musicians you learn at school and I don't. You are Having a good time, TNT, or You are my sunshine while you sleep. You are The Dark Crystal, My Neverending Story. You are what I can sweetie, you are what I am.

- You're never going to be alone Dad; I am going to be with you.

"I can't"

Juma Paredes

July 2017
www.facebook.com/inmaduronarrador

Design: her